Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.