[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
You Might Also Like
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
me when the borders lift
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”