Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I ate everything, including the H.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
plant them where lol
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop