Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*puts my mental health in rice
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil