If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
sir, my pâté if you please
Not all heroes wear capes…
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.