My work here is don’t.
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons