ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“OMGJK” -atheists
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there