My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
You Might Also Like
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.