and this one
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Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day