We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Leaving the Barbers like
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.