I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early