Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
You Might Also Like
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
This is me 🤣🤣
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I would move hell over six inches for you
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update