Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
real
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.