The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
🤣🤣🤣
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.