LOOOOOOL
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
tinder is all about the long game
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*