*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
You Might Also Like
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.