new career option?
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Just why bro?!
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.