Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)