“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The happy life.. 😊
Well, shit
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
💻🤡
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands