HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
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They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.