I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.