NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing