Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.