me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper