It’s actually Dr. whatever
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All. The. Damn. Time.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My dad teaching me to drive
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.