E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
You Might Also Like
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel