[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
LOL!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Happy Taco Tuesday
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
#winning
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down