Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
December birthdays be like…
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Monday
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach