My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
choose your gary
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.