“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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