I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
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I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”