Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
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[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Happy thanksgiving
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this