You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Is your wife single?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
This is sending me to another galaxy