How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
You Might Also Like
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*