me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
courtroom exchange of the day
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird