Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??