“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
motivation
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now