I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
LA today:
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.