“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You Might Also Like
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
The Joker was right
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there