My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.