When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
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Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
i really liked this one
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.