I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
a public service announcement
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.