HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
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I think this should do it.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.