Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem