At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
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Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”