Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri