The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
You Might Also Like
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
it be like that
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF