We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Some people were born into their job.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train