Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*