Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.